The Trouble With Tigers Read online

  “Yes.”

  “Are you nuts?”

  “I know the asshole’s smuggling in exotic animals. He uses his nightclub as a cover to auction off everything from lions to wildebeests. Kuti charges five thousand dollars just for the privilege of bidding on the animals. The highest bidder tonight wins the right to hunt and kill the lion.”

  “Wow. Just wow. The media makes Kuti out to be a saint. Not only does he promote Afropop, an African version of our pop music, but he has his own game preserve in Nigeria,” I exclaimed.

  “All lies. He’s a stone-cold killer. Just like his sister Leonora.”

  My stomach knotted in horror. “The Voodoo priestess?”

  “Yes.”

  “Don’t you think the ruthless warlord is gonna be a bit pissed when he finds out we kinda killed her?”

  “She blew herself up,” Harry retorted.

  “That’s true, but I don’t think the warlord is gonna see it that way. How good is your information?”

  “Ayo worked security and was able to download the auction dates, types of animals being smuggled in and where they’re kept.”

  “Where is he? I want to talk to him.”

  Harry expelled a long breath. “You can’t. That dead clown your cop is investigating is my informant.”

  “What? And he’s not my cop.”

  “Have you told him that?”

  I ignored his question and went with, “Does Kuti know he had a data breach?”

  “He does.”

  I rubbed my suddenly aching head. “This is a suicide mission.”

  “It’s the only chance we have to rescue the lion.”

  “And get dead in the process. Don’t forget the security at the Neon Clown is topnotch.”

  Harry eyed me suspiciously. “How do you know that?”

  I couldn’t say cause my dad checked it out for an old friend. I gave Harry my best innocent look. “I guess I heard it on the news. What’s your plan for getting around his heavily armed goons?”

  “For special events like the auction, they hire extra staff. I relocated two of the guards and we’re taking their places,” Harry said.

  Oh, dear God. Did I even want to know? “Relocated?”

  “Let’s just say, they’re taking a nap in a quiet place.”

  “You can’t go around kidnapping people. You’re gonna get arrested,” I cried.

  “Relax. Samson’s keeping an eye on them.”

  Alarm skittered up my spine. Not only was Samson Harry’s brother, he was a CIA black ops agent who scared the living bejesus out of me. “What’s he doing here?”

  “He’s planning his next mission,” Harry said, refusing to look at me.

  Shit! I thought Samson took my refusal a little too easily. I sucked in a deep, calming breath. “Does he still want me to go with him to Pakistan and steal those tigers?”

  Harry shifted uneasily. “He does.”

  “Why don’t you get him to help you rescue the lion?”

  “He can’t talk to the animals. You’re critical to the mission,” Harry stated.

  Why did I think he also meant the Pakistan covert ops too? “Tom and Dick are our getaway drivers?”

  “Yes.”

  “If things go to hell, we’ll need someone with combat experience to get us out alive.”

  Tinkerbell barked.

  “No, getting Dutch involved is not a good idea,” I replied.

  Arf?

  “Because he would arrest all of us. I was thinking of asking my father for help.”

  Harry shrugged. “If you think it’s necessary.”

  “Since I don’t want to end up in an unmarked grave, I do.” I pulled out my cellphone.

  “Wait! He won’t bring your mom, will he?”

  “No, she has choir practice tonight.”

  “Thank God. That woman’s a fruit cake and what’s up with her ears?”

  I gave Harry the evil eye. “That woman is my mother.”

  “No offense meant, but if I had to listen to Christmas music 24/7, I’d go nuts,” Harry said.

  Which is why I had moved out as soon as I graduated high school. I tapped my Dad’s number and waited until he answered. “Hey Dad, you busy tonight?”

  Chapter Four

  The Neon Clown was located smack dab in the middle of Phoenix’s historic district. Kuti had turned an 1895 Queen Ann Victorian manor into a rocking nightclub, much to the displeasure of his neighbors.

  The basement had been transformed into an ornate high rollers club complete with blackjack and baccarat tables. Strobing pink lights glinted off chandeliers and the mirrored ornaments behind the bar. Vapor trails followed the costumed waitresses as they carried bottles of Dom Perignon in buckets of dry ice to the thirsty guests. Each table had a small electronic device to enter bids on the merchandise.

  The auction participants wore everything from African print caftans with fezzes to sport coats and high-dollar sneakers. I was surprised at the lack of arm candy. Maybe it was a male only club.

  Above the tables were four aerial rings with glitter-covered women doing an extremely obscene dance with twelve-foot pythons. I had to say I was impressed with their flexibility. The men’s eyes were locked on the women’s large, bouncing breasts and the way the snakes crawled between their legs. Color me nauseated.

  On the main stage the poor lion paced restlessly in a large cage while Harry and I stood guard. Both of us resembled demonic clowns in black leather jumpsuits. The spiky red wig reminded me of porcupine quills and the thick makeup made my face itch like crazy. Did we look badass? You betcha we did.

  The normal blackjack dealer had an unfortunate accident and Dad replaced him. How he managed to pull that off at the last moment, I didn’t know. Nor did I want to know. No one seemed to have a problem with Santa dealing their cards.

  The timer on my watch beeped and suddenly there were dozens of large rats running in every direction. My clever father had smuggled them in with the gaming chips.

  The waitresses screamed loudly, dumped their drink trays on the floor and fled.

  At my command the rats scampered up the high rollers’ legs and onto the tables. Glasses of champagne flew in every direction as the men tried to get away from the chittering, biting rats.

  I turned my attention to the four hungry snakes and had them drop on the men. All hell broke loose as the snakes went for the rats.

  “Go!” Harry yelled, as he blocked a security goon from getting on the stage. Dad joined the fight and a brawl erupted.

  I quickly picked the lock on the cage and opened the door. The lion bared his teeth and snarled. “Aw, c’mon, we don’t have time for this crap. I’m here to rescue you.”

  The lion roared ferociously.

  “Talk about an ungrateful cranky butt. I’m going to call you Grumpy.”

  A table missed my head by inches and crashed against the cage.

  “That’s it.” I turned up my Doolittle power, “Let’s go, before the men with guns come.”

  Grumpy grumbled loudly but followed me out of the cage and through an “employee only” door. We sprinted down the utility corridor.

  The few employees I encountered took one look at the lion trotting at my heels and fled.

  My relief vanished when I got to the loading docks. No trucks! Where in the hell had Tom and Dick gone? I pulled my cellphone out and dialed Tom’s number. It went straight to voicemail.

  The same with Dick’s phone. I walked down to the end of the driveway and scanned the busy street. No sign of their trucks. Had Kuti’s security run them off? Or worse?

  Out of sheer desperation, I called Jana. I knew she had a memorial service at a nearby church. Looking both ways, Grumpy and I dashed across the roadway.

  “Hey girl. What’s up?”

  “Have I ever told you how much our friendship means to me?”

  There was a long pause before Jana asked, “Are the cops chasi
ng you again?”

  “Not yet, but I do have an itty-bitty problem,” I said.

  “Oh shit! That means you have a category five clusterfuck.”

  “Kinda.”

  A Hispanic man driving a battered Mercury glanced over at me. His head whipped back around as he did a double take. Crash! He rear-ended a truck stopped for the red light.

  I winced. That’s gotta hurt.

  Grumpy roared.

  Jana demanded, “Is that a lion?”

  “Yeah, but he’s really friendly.”

  “Oh hell, no,” Jana cried.

  “I had to rescue him. They were going to kill him,” I countered and noticed an old guy in a white Toyota gaping at me. “Look out mister!”

  The Toyota veered across two lanes of traffic before slamming into a parked Honda. Smoke poured from the engine.

  Jana inquired, “What’s going on Kandi? It sounds like you’re in the middle of a demolition derby.”

  “Seriously, you wouldn’t think a demonic clown walking a lion down the street would freak everyone out.”

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m at the corner of Seventh Street and McDowell.” I watched the old guy bail out of his now burning car.

  Red and blue lights flashed off the windows of the surrounding businesses.

  I glanced over my shoulder.

  A patrol car raced toward me.

  “The police have arrived,” I told Jana.

  “Meet me in the parking lot of the United Methodist church on Eighth Street.”

  “Will do.” I disconnected and gasped as flames engulfed both the Toyota and the Honda. Kaboom! The cars exploded into a massive fireball. A burning tire sailed down the street and smashed into the patrol car’s windshield. The officer lost control, swerved wildly and struck a fire hydrant. A geyser of water shot high into the air.

  A smoldering fender hit the pavement in front of us. Grumpy took off.

  I ran after him. “Stop Grumpy! Stop! I know it’s scary, but I promise I’ll protect you.” If I didn’t get arrested first.

  The lion ran into a small park and hid under the slide.

  “Good kitty.”

  The good kitty snarled at me.

  I projected calming vibes. “I know. I know. People took you from your home, put you in a cage and brought you to this scary place. I’m going to take you somewhere safe. Okay?”

  More sirens sounded.

  Grumpy roared and jumped to his feet.

  I wrapped my mind around his and forcibly kept him from running. “Easy now. It’s okay. That noise can’t hurt you. You safe with me.” I approached him slowly. “I bet you’re hungry.”

  The lion huffed.

  “I thought so.” I held out my hand. “Let’s go get you something to eat.”

  Grumpy walked over to me and made woofing noises.

  “Hungry enough to eat a zebra huh?”

  The lion grunted.

  “How about some yummy burgers until I find ya that zebra?” I smiled when Grumpy began to purr. Keeping to the shadows, we made it to the church without getting nabbed.

  Jana stood outside a shiny black hearse. As usual, her makeup was flawless, her magenta hair perfect and her business suit impeccable. She owned a chain of successful mortuaries and looked the part. Jana let out a creative curse when we stepped into the light. “That lion is huge and why are you dressed like that?”

  “Long story. My friend here is starving, so we need to hit a fast food place for some burgers.”

  Alarm filled Jana’s eyes when Grumpy displayed his sharp teeth in a yawn. “How about we buy a bunch of chickens instead? Greasy fast food can’t be good for him.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  A large explosion shook the ground.

  Jana gasped, “What in the hell did you do?”

  “Nothing! Really!” Or had I?

  A shitload of sirens got closer and closer. It sounded like they were sending every cop in the city. “Can we discuss this after we’re a safe distance away? It won’t take the police long to lock the area down.”

  Jana opened the back of the hearse and gestured. “Hurry.”

  I climbed in. “C’mon Grumpy.” The lion joined me.

  “Who talked you into this?”

  I sighed. “Harry.”

  “That man is going to get you killed,” Jana snapped and shut the door.

  She was one hundred percent right. Sooner or later, my luck was going to run out.

  Jana tossed a bag at me. “There’s some makeup remover in there. You need to get the goop off your face and throw away that awful wig.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I yanked the wig off and cleaned my face.

  Grumpy snuffed the prickly fur.

  I scratched his ears. “Yep, pretty ugly.”

  Several cop cars screamed by us.

  “How did you start Armageddon?”

  “I never laid a finger on anyone. All I did was walk down the street,” I replied.

  Jana snorted. “Dressed like a refugee from a horror movie and let’s not forget the lion.” She pulled into the drive thru at Bucky’s Chicken and rolled her window down.

  A tinny voice said, “Our special today is a bucket of chicken and three sides.”

  “I’ll take six buckets of your grilled chicken. No sides.”

  “It’ll be the same price,” the voice said.

  “That’s okay.” Jana pulled around to the window.

  Grumpy roared hungrily.

  A pimply-face teenager eyed the hearse nervously. “What was that?”

  Jana stared at him blankly. “What was what?”

  “Uh, a lion roared,” the teenager said.

  Jana shrugged. “I’m listening to the Lion King.”

  I had Grumpy roar again.

  The kid jumped about a foot.

  Jana smiled. “Sounds like a real lion, doesn’t it?”

  “Yeah, it does. Uh, that’s thirty-two dollars and eighty cents.”

  She handed him her credit card.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll pay you back,” I promised.

  “You bet your ass you will.”

  Sirens sounded from my cellphone. Crap! Dutch was calling. “Hello.”

  “Where are you?” Dutch was using his official voice.

  “I’m having dinner with Jana. Why?”

  “Let me talk to her.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  “Now Kandi!” Dutch bellowed.

  “What’s got your panties in a twist?”

  Dutch growled, “Don’t make me look for you.”

  I tapped Jana’s shoulder. “Dutch wants to speak with you.”

  She took my phone. “Hey Dutch, what’s up? Un huh. Yep, we’re having a girl’s night out. No, I haven’t seen the news. Why? Really? Any idea what caused the explosion? Wow. We’ll stay away from the area. Bye.” Jana tossed me my phone. “He’s seriously pissed.”

  The teenager held out three large sacks of food. “Here’s your order ma’am.”

  Grumpy rumbled hungrily.

  Jana grabbed the bags, chucked them over her shoulder and peeled out.

  Grumpy pounced on the food.

  I watched in disbelief as the lion inhaled the chickens and the buckets. I snatched the paper bags away before he could eat them too. “What did Dutch say?”

  “There was a brawl at the Neon Clown, and somehow a fire started. The explosives the owner had hidden in the sub-basement blew and the club is a total loss.”

  My stomach knotted in horror. “Any casualties?”

  “No. Everyone got out okay but when the police tried to question the survivors a fight broke out. They also got about a dozen 9-1-1 calls about a scary looking clown walking a lion down the street. Dutch said to let you know he’s pulling all the security tapes in the area.”

  “There’s no way he can prove it’s me under the makeup,” I protested.

/>   “Probably not, but you can bet your ass, he has your house and office under surveillance.”

  “Oh yeah.” My cellphone buzzed like a zillion-bees. I answered it, “Tom! My God, where were you?”

  “We intercepted Kuti’s goons unloading a truck full of anti-aircraft rocket launchers and automatic rifles. Since Samson’s CIA we notified him about the situation. He came down, dealt with smugglers and had us take the weapons to a warehouse down on Central.”

  Which explained why the club went boom. “And you left me without any transportation. Do you know it’s nigh on impossible to sneak a big-ass lion down a busy city street?”

  “Uh. Guess the costume didn’t help either, but Samson said he would handle it.” There was a note of guilt in Tom’s voice.

  “Well, he didn’t, and now the cops are on my ass.”

  Grumpy roared.

  Tom cried, “Shit! You still have the lion?”

  “What in the hell was I supposed to do with him? Let him run loose? Flag a taxi down? Get on a city bus?”

  “No, of course not. I don’t know what happened to Samson.”

  “I do. He was blowing the nightclub up. You and Dick, my friends and backup, flaked out on me and I was forced to walk the lion down the sidewalk like he was a big fucking dog. How do you think that went?”

  Tom gulped audibly. “Not so good.”

  “Ding. Ding. Ding. Give the man a prize. So, what’s the plan now?”

  “You got wheels?”

  “I do. Jana picked us up in her hearse,” I answered.

  “Meet me at the west side of Encanto Park and I’ll get the lion to the animal sanctuary.”

  “Okay and the lion’s name is Grumpy.” I disconnected. “West side of Encanto Park, Jana.”

  Jana did a U-turn. “Never a dull moment with you around.”

  “Sorry for dragging you into this mess. Harry’s foolproof plan wasn’t, but I thought with my dad getting involved, it wouldn’t blow up in our faces like it did.”

  “You got that sweet old man mixed up in one of your little adventures?” Jana was outraged.

  My dad was not nor had he ever been a sweet old man. “My bad. It was supposed to be a simple snatch and run.”